My life in pictures: October

Gosh, can you believe it? It's already the end of October!

Out to dinner in Harlem

My ex's new roommate, guess who he thinks is better looking...

Going for a walk on the beach with a friend and having dinner afterwards. Great fun!

Sunday afternoon sightseeing in Utrecht

So cute! It was hard to resist but I didn't take him home in the end

(familiar dilemma to Saturday nights out - inside joke)

Just a small queue for the Bruno Mars concert on October 15th but it was sooo worth it!

Standing ovation

Well, it's commonly known he melts millions of hearts worldwide but as I witnessed him bring 10.000 females to their knees there is no denying: he's got it! He's hot, sensational, incredibly talented and a player. He knows the game, he owns the game and he plays it very, very well. Who I am talking about? You haven't guessed yet? Bruno Mars, of course.

Bruno Mars and his hooligans blew the roof off the Ziggo Dome in Amsterdam. Though he started twenty minutes late, this was quickly forgiven when they started playing; what a show! Back in March when the tickets were bought, I thought it would be fun to stand in the floor area rather than have seats, as I thought we wouldn't be able to dance. But what I hadn't thought about was my sister, who was joining me to the concert, being twenty centimetres shorter than I am. On top of that Bruno is also rather short which made it even more challenging. So I guess I was watching the show and she was listening to it because she couldn't see a thing. Darn these tall Dutch people...

Only fools rush in

Your decisions don't always have to make sense to others. 

Lately I'm being confronted with the opinion of others on some of the decisions I've made. It makes me wonder who is to define whether my decisions are wrong or right and how much I should value the opinion of others anyway. Because who's life am I living in the end? 

It's an internal confrontation I'm dealing with as one side of me wants to please others and keep everybody happy but on the other hand I want to be stronger, fearless and most importantly: alive. What's the point of living if you are doing it the way others want you to? How about growing a pair of balls (not literally, please) and start doing things my way. I will probably struggle and stumble, fall flat on my face, get bruised and embarressed but I feel confident, fierce full and surrounded by good people who will help me get back on my feet. Let's go! 

Something to remember

At the beginning of August I wrote a post called 'Want some cheese with that line?' and it was about a man I met at a party. He had taken the effort to chat me up with some real cheesy lines and I enjoyed his sense of humour (and the British accent!). Unfortunately, back then, I was still very concerned of the Boss' emotions and him reading it, coming to wrong conclusions and it resulting in a huge argument. Well, we did end up in a huge argument but that wasn't because of what I'd written, nor about the Soldier I'd met, but just because of the emotional frustration we were dealing with at the time.

I pulled the post back shortly after I published it and deleted it completely after a few moments of doubt (I am very thorough). It was a fun blog and it reminded me of the moment at the bar; being chatted up like that was something I'd never experienced before. Unfortunately I was too concerned about others being upset by it that I didn't consider me being upset for deleting it. The old 'if I knew then what I know now' story but; shit happens.

A long intro to get to the point of today's post: another new experience! Last week I went out to dinner with my manager and an important customer of ours, when I saw two guys looking at my boots. OK, the boots were ugly (horrendous) but they kept my feet warm so I didn't really care. But, me being nosy, when the rest of my group was walking towards our table, I just walked up to these guys and asked them whether there was something wrong with my shoes. You should've seen the look on their faces! Apparently they were unaware of me noticing their disapproving looks so it was quite funny to hear their excuses; my boots were out of style, last season and all that. Seriously: who cares?! Anyway, not much later, just as we were finishing our starters; one of the guys came over and gave me a note. You should've seen the look on my face now! 

Sweet memories

My brain has an endless hard drive. I recall memories of years ago as if they happened yesterday. Last weekend the Boss told me our shared hard drive had fallen, hit the ground and was damaged so severely he couldn't fix it. In other words: all our pictures, stories and memories of the past 7 years are gone. Instantly, within seconds, completely wiped out. That's an easy way to get over me, you'd think...

Well, I won't give up that easily and since I still got the majority of our time together stored on my internal hard drive, I can relive the moments whenever I want. I don't resent the time we spent together, I cherish them. And therefore I don't mind looking back and listening to our songs, sometimes I actually enjoy it, even though he might not want me to. I deleted the things I didn't want to remember, made space on my hard drive for new experiences, but you can drop me, I can hit the ground, get bruised and slightly dented, but this hard drive will never break down. With karma being the bitch she is, I'll probably get hit by dementia...

(song starts at 00:19)

                                 

My life in pictures: September

Dude, where's my bike? Where's my bike, dude?

Speaks for itself... (yes, I am cheapass for buying AH brand and not real Ben&Jerry's)

New dress, in doubt whether or not I should buy it (did buy it in the end)

Proof I really went to the NS service desk at Utrecht

EasyJet; cheap, easy and fast. What's not to like?

Greeting from London!

A secret admirer? 

On speaking terms

Sometimes the biggest surprises can come in the smallest gestures

It's intriguing how, after not seeing each other on a daily basis for over 2 months, it can be somewhat awkward to spent time together again. I had not seen The Boss in weeks when I went to the house last week to pick up a parcel that he had accepted for me. For him to accept it was a kind gesture on itself but for him to put his ego aside and invite me in (which is really weird, considering I still spent half of my salary on the mortgage etc.) was truly surprising. It was actually nice to be at the house, to have a conversation rather than an argument and get updates on his recent whereabouts. In my case 'out of sight' doesn't mean out of mind, as I still care for him a lot and I prefer seeing him happy.

The way we've grown these past few weeks surprises me. We're much more mature, being able to put our emotions aside and focus on what's our common priority: selling the house. I'm glad we've reached this point, as it might be a positive forecast of how our relationship might transform back in to a solid friendship. I value the memories we've created together and I hope, one day, he will be able to look back on our years together with a smile rather than remorse. To look back on it and laugh about the silly things we’ve done. And as these things include me it’s safe to say we've encountered some weird shit over the years.

Just me (should be enough)

You should never feel the need to apologize for who you are 

Humour is important in any relationship, whether it's with family, friends or a new boyfriend. It's a huge plus when you have a similar sense of humour because nothing is as enjoyable as sharing a good laugh together. I consider myself lucky to be surrounded by people who understand my geeky / cheeky sense of humour, or just have the decency to laugh at anything I say...

But by me having the freedom to be me, I might take that freedom from others because they have a different way of showing (introvert vs. extrovert). That doesn't mean either one of us is right or wrong: it just means we have our own personality, which makes us perfectly unique. But I hate the thought of holding others down and putting them in the darkness, while I am bathing in space and sunshine. I'm currently working on finding a balance and try to dose my enthusiasm or spread it over several audiences (work, family and friends) so they will all have the chance to catch their breath again and relax their faces once I'm gone. Yeah, that's me being considerate, I can do that too: I am soooo multifunctional.

I wish I could say that I've found the confidence within myself to always feel free and be me at any time or with any audience, but I haven't reached that peaceful mind-set yet. Same as I am trying to find balance in giving others the space they need to be themselves, sometimes I need space to pull back and have some time on my own. They won't say it aloud but I sense it's highly appreciated by those around me, to have a break and some quiet time. And I get it, I would be glad too, but somehow my shadow keeps chasing me.

At the end of the rainbow

When it's pouring rain: be your own ray of sunshine

We all know the saying 'it's not over until it's over' and it is over now. The divorce papers have been signed. The final settlement has been made and the only thing that is keeping us connected is the mortgage of the house we bought together. The house that he's been living in for almost three months now, while I still pay half of my salary for it and am living with my parents. Don't get me wrong: I am actually glad that I'm no longer living there, with him and all that, but it sucks that I can't move forward until the house is sold. And let's face it: that's going to be the biggest challenge of the whole break-up.

I'm a relatively positive person so I jumped in to the adventure of selling the house with an upbeat attitude and had high hopes that we'd be selling it within a few months (maybe naive would be a better fit than positive). So far two weeks have passed since we put it online and there has been no reaction whatsoever, at all. That's not very optimistic and far from positive, but I refuse to let it bring me down. What might actually bring me down is the lack of support of others. Or the fact that our neighbours put their house up for sale three days after we did, for 4000 euro less...

I will admit it was one of the most frustrating moments of my life. But I got over it and looked at what I could do to improve our chances of selling and managed to get some support out of The Boss as well. See, miracles do happen; every now and then; once or twice a year; OK practically never but just this once I'd like to think he was being helpful (by not being home so I could access the house and do some redecorating and cleaning...). It might not cause a rainbow yet but at least I'm seeking the rays of sunshine through the dark and heavy clouds that have been colouring our sky a serious shade of grey.

My life in pictures: August & September

On a sunny day in August: happy birthday to me. Put your hands up, yeah!

September 14th: Party!!

Got some crazy friends

Sunset from the airplane 

Jeep safari through the Algarve

16th of August: visiting London 

Recharged and ready

Reality check: when my packed suitcase weighed less than the amount of weight I've lost in the past 6 months... 

A week of relaxation, sunshine, sunbathing, excitement, tours through the country and the best of all: no work. Result: minus 2 kg at the end of it. It was a fun week in Portugal with my friend (the one from work), the weather was great and we'd made an efficient planning:

- Friday / Saturday: Arrived at midnight and find our way around town
- Sunday: Organized bus tour through the Western part of Algarve
- Monday: Relaxing and walked to the old part of Albufeira
- Tuesday: Boat trip to see dolphins and caves
- Wednesday: Relaxing and by local bus to Faro (capitol of Algarve)
- Thursday: Jeep safari and visited the countryside
- Friday: Relaxing at the beach, final chance to get tanned and fly back home

Loved it! It was exactly the right combination of action and relaxation, so we can safely say my battery has been charged a bit again. Unfortunately I am an extremely slow tanner so others probably still consider me relatively pale, but at least I felt tanned today. Yes, only today because the weather in the Netherlands is poor, cold and rainy so I expect my summery look to be washed off within 24 hours - all that hard work for nothing! I'm already planning my next vacation to maintain this look, so how 'bout going south again in October? Who's with me?

Along the way

Don't be afraid to be different: it's not a crime to stand out in the crowd. 

Wisdom doesn't come with age. It's true that as you get older you gain experiences and learn how to deal with certain situations, but it doesn't mean a 50-year old is better in coping with it than a 25-year old. I've heard stories that seem unbelievable, a screenplay of the latest blockbuster, but instead it's the life story of someone my age. It makes me realize my life hasn't been bad at all, though I do like to complain and nag about it, of course, but that says more about me and my drama queen abilities, than the roughness of my youth.

There's been bullying, insecurities and times I thought I'd never make it through the next minute, but these 60 seconds passed anyway and I was still breathing at the end of them. As I'm fully aware of my imagination, level of dramatizing and intention to overreact it makes me realize my memories might've been altered and therefore not always true to reality. It's funny though; looking back and knowing there isn't a single thing I can change about the things that have happened and the things I've done. The only thing I can change is my future, 'cause the power of it is in my hands. Got to love the amazing gifts of life, ay?

Lately I've been thinking about the way I'll feel when I'm 85 (assuming I'll reach that age and still capable of thinking, reading and writing) and looking back on life. My biggest fear is to disappoint myself because of the decisions I've made, especially for things I didn't do because of fear of the thing itself, or fear of the opinion of others about it. I can't help but wonder at what age I'll learn and realize there's nothing wrong with being different, as it only confirms me being the unique person I am. Hmm, sounds like I'm halfway there... will 25 be the magic number after all?

Another point of view

As you  know I'm total freak when it comes to making lists. While I was still at school I kept myself busy by not only updating my agenda, but also those of fellow students. What can I say; I just wanted them to have their homework done on time...

Once done with school I started making lists for pretty much everything. Literally: everything. I’d make lists for grocery shopping; reasons to save money; how to save money; traveling and a bucket list. A list of things I want to do before my time has come. To be quite honest: my list wasn’t that exciting nor original. Nowadays there are sites with all sorts of suggestions while I had to spend hours coming up with things to do. I'll be the first to admit that some were just to fill the page, as if I'd ever do them... Jumping out of an airplane: seriously? Getting a tattoo: are you kiddin' me? Write a book before my 25th birthday: too late now anyway. Recently I've started thinking about the concept of making a list of things you want to do before you die and, knowing me, I'd be so disappointed if I won't be able to cross the whole thing off. How miserable would I feel when I'm filling my last moments on earth with disappointment? That's not really motiving, is it?

So I've decided to turn the concept around. Instead of making a list of things I want to do, I'll keep track of all the things I've already done. ‘Been there; done that’ sort of thing. These are memories no-one can ever take away from me. A fresh wave of positive thinking. Beat that, disappointment!

Memories like traveling to Germany, Belgium, France, Austria, Switzerland, Denmark, Croatia, Bulgaria, Malta, Italy, America (California, Utah, Nevada, Arizona, Florida), United Kingdom and within 2 weeks: Portugal as well. 

And things you should experience once in your life, like horseback riding through Bryce Canyon, indoor skydiving, an airboat ride through the Everglades, snorkeling in the reef of Key West,  holding a snake, getting a Brazilian wax, dye your eyebrows and eyelashes, get caught having sex, learn how to salsa dance, sing in public even though you're out of tune, dance in the streets like nobody's watching, make out with a stranger, learn to appreciate certain types of food, but the most important one: live life to the fullest, because you only live once!

Mars, it's Venus calling...

Sometimes it's better to act as if you're not listening than to join the discussion and immediately say the wrong thing...

Women are from Venus, which is nice because they have a lot of razors there and no men. So why bother shaving if there's no one around to use your freshly shaven, smooth and incredibly sexy legs on? While men are from Mars, which clarifies the expanding bellies and disappearing abs, though a Mars contains fewer calories than a Bounty or a Twix. Can anyone explain me the logics?

In all fairness: it is true. Sometimes it seems like both genders are from a completely different planet. The perception of certain things are totally off, the opinion about life changing events can't be further apart and don't get me started on the on-going discussion on whether dresses are sexier than skinny jeans. (I'm voting for the latter - How 'bout you?) We all know the saying: you can't live with them, but you can't live without them either. It completes life. Makes it a bit more exciting, challenging, hotter (wink wink) and to be honest: saver too. Nothing feels as good as knowing you've got someone who understands you and will be there to protect you if needed. Someone to cuddle up to, who puts an arm around you, keeps you warm and makes you feel like you're his little princess. Excuse me, just got a bit carried away there. Damn that vivid imagination...

Don't get me wrong: I'm one tough cookie, but every now and then I can pretend to be a girly girl just to boost his ego. He's a man after all; they need that boost from time to time. Where I gathered this incredible wisdom you are asking? It's in the 'How to maintain your man' manual, you can order it on at bol.com but delivery may take some time as it needs to be shipped from the fourth planet from the sun...

My life in pictures: July & August

August 10th: Dutch Valley with my friend from work.

Freshly baked apple pie. Smelled so nice!

August 3rd: Canal Parade (Gay Pride) in Amsterdam.

Getting my car cleaned without much effort. Got to love it!

This is what happens when you leave the care of your plants in the hands of a man...

Hereby the proof I used to be a little redhead.

A not so nice kitty

Last week I had a discussion with someone who gave me the impression it was ‘weird’ that I didn’t go to a certain party, because I’m single now and had said I wanted to experience the single life, but went to bed early instead.

I’m normally not easily offended so perhaps it had to do with the summery heat, the lack of sleep for the past few weeks or the appointment I had with the solicitor that afternoon, but I got so defensive it probably scared the heck out of that person. A full frontal blow out, at 00:32 on a sizzling August night. So if you ever want to experience me being (slightly?) upset, this is what you can expect:

The first stab:
Q: Why didn’t you join her?
A: Why should I feel like I had to? It’s OK to say 'no' at times.

The blow out:

Q: Why not going out then?

A: I don’t think being single has to be defined by the amount of parties I go to. Secondly, I told you many times I don’t go out that much anyway, and I’ve been exhausted the past few weeks. Third, I didn’t feel like going out after going to the solicitor and having to break someone’s heart for the tenth time.

That enough reasons? Though I don’t think I have to explain myself for going to bed on time, one of these reasons should be sufficient.

I know it’s not nice of me, and a huge contrast with how I normally am but it was just too much that I had to explain myself for going to bed on time and wanting to take care of myself. And it brought me to another quote:

“Sometimes the easiest way to find salvation, is to seek comfort in the wrong kind of distraction. While in fact the power should come from within yourself, to patch you up and get you back on your feet again.”

Guess we both learned a lesson that night.

The moment when...

+ + +

... you realize your feet get smaller too when you lose weight, and you are struggling to not lose your shoes while walking up the stairs

... you fail to win this battle and your shoe falls down two flights of stairs and you have to walk aaaaall the way down again to go and get it (this happened to me at work, twice!)

... the scale confirms you've lost 15 kg (2st 7.3lb) since March

... you realize it's not that bad to live with your parents again 

... it's hot and sunny outside and you have the afternoon off!

... it all starts to make sense and you feel like you understand which direction you need to go

... someone gives you a huge ego-boost

... your pet makes it pretty clear to you it's time to feed her 

- - - 

... you have to rely on others, who are not as much in a hurry as you are and there's not an awful lot you can do to push them

... it's time to let go

... losing 15 kg (2st 7.3lb) is still not enough

... your body tells you it's in desperate need of vitamines and vegetables 

... your birthday creeps closer, day by day

... you want to go somewhere, anywhere, but you don't know how to go ahead and do it

More than meets the eye

True beauty is the way you look when you find the guts to show another person the inside of your heart. 

I don't believe in love at first sight. No I really don't, because it would mean you fell head over heels for the appearance of someone, rather than for the person he or she actually is. Of course looks are important and it's always nice to have someone at your side to show off and brag about to your friends. But firstly; who or what defines beauty? Secondly; who says your mates will think she's pretty, too? In the end, beauty is just a matter of taste. This is a good thing by the way, because otherwise we’d all be looking the same, and there’s nothing unique about that.

But getting back to the original subject: love at first sight. The reason why I don't buy it, is because at the end of the day, it's the character of the person that you have to live with. If you decide to stay with someone because you think he or she is sooo drop dead gorgeous, will you be able to see through all their (bad, annoying or weird) habits and stay with that person anyway? I think it's time we spend less time validating the outside and a bit more time on the inside of the individual. Just think of what you could be missing out on because you didn't give someone the chance to show you their true beauty. Sometimes you have to look a little bit deeper than that obvious layer of foundation and mascara, spray tan or cheesy lines. What are they trying to cover up anyway? Try to see beyond all that and you may just find exactly what you've been looking for all that time.

Happy hunting. 

Are you kiddin' me?

Sarcasm, some people just don't get it. 

There's one thing I find extremely annoying and that's when I have to explain my jokes because someone doesn't get it. Honestly, it's really not that hard. I'm not that intelligent so my jokes aren't either. Though, not getting sarcasm says more about you then about the quality of my jokes. Didn't I already mention I'm hilarious these days? Yeah, thought so...

sar·casm [sahr-kaz-uhm]
noun
1. Harsh or bitter derision or irony
2. A sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms

A tongue of which the user speaks of something the complete opposite of what the user means. It often has the best comedic value.

See, it's nothing more than a lousy attempt to be funny. To make it easier and less uncomfortable for us both, next time just smile and nod as if you get it. Smile and nod, yeah; you're going to get far in this world.

What she said

I’m actually surprised how easy it is to get caught in a situation that helps you forget the things you don’t want to think about. Correction: it doesn’t help you forget, it just keeps your mind of it for a while. Not long enough to make you forget, but just long enough to be able to enjoy life again, for an hour or two. I’ve always known I’m easily impressed and therefore an easy ‘victim’ for guys with sleek talks and the right amount of compliments. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it does make me vulnerable and I let it happen time and time again. But then I read the following post, written by Oprah, and it made me realize where I go wrong, every single time.

“Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t ‘be friends’. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think ‘it will get better.’ You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behaviour. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look from someone complimentary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun, even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always knows where you are, and you’re always readily available for him, he takes it for granted. Never move into his mothers’ house. Never co-sign for a man. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful. Dr. Phil says you should know that: You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the first place, just know that he’s not the only one. They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts.”

Wow.

Sink or swim

In the end, all you have to remember is how to swim.

Sometimes life can be overwhelming, confusing and downright painful, but as long as it gets dark at the end of every day and the sun rises again the next morning, nothing they throw at me is too much. Yes, it's a lot to deal with, but one way or the other I'll manage to face it, conquer it and move past it. This doesn't mean it's easy, nor does it mean I'm capable of actually doing it, but I'm good at thinking it through and putting it in writing. We all deal with things our own way and this is mine. I'm sticking with the decisions I've made, whether they are right or wrong (which is a matter of opinion anyway). 

I've decided to swim rather than drown. Drowning isn't fun, though I don't like swimming either. No-one ever told me how exhausting it is to swim for such a long time, and it's getting cold in the deep and dark waters. I'm waiting for that deserted island to pop up in the (not too far) distance, a warm and comfy place where I can sit back, relax and catch my breath again. The one thing I need to beware of is not getting too comfortable on this island, even if it seems to have everything I need in order to survive. Sometimes looks can be deceiving, and when something looks too good to be true; it usually is. Don't want to get thrown in to the water again, there might be sharks out there ... 

The power of simplicity

A lot has happened the past few weeks. I moved out of the house and back in with my parents, which isn't the ideal situation but it's a quick solution to the on-going problem. I wished it could've been solved differently, but for now it will do. This week the bank has given us the document we needed in order to put the house up for sale, so it looks like we're finally making some progress again.

And what else am I to do on a sunny Saturday afternoon other than browsing through (old) photos, and being amazed why I hadn't realized before how big I'd gotten?! I was pretty huge, to say the least. Shocking! Something else what's quite shocking was the emotions I felt while looking at these pictures, and all of a sudden I came up with a quote:

"When memories are fading it doesn't mean they're not worth remembering, it just means I'm making space for new experiences to be stored on my hard drive."

Just this morning I was thinking about wanting to come up with a quote to share with others, but I didn't have any inspiration and my mind was blank. And then the above popped in to my head, which I considered worth sharing. And it says a lot actually because I have an incredible ability to remember, so it's like my hard drive can store 4 terabyte and there's really no need to be forgetting things, but I've decided to move them to the back anyway. There's no use in looking back anymore, though I treasure the memories and the experiences, it's time to make space for new ones. Besides, it motivates me to keep saying 'yes' to invites 'cause what's the fun of an empty hard drive anyway? 

My life in pictures: July

Thanks to my parents our balcony is ready to impress potential buyers. 

Too bad we never put in the effort ourselves to make it look nice, sit down and enjoy it...

During the daily ride on my bike I pass this flowerfield and it just makes me happy.

This little kid reminded me of how I spent a lot of time with my grandmother when I was growing up. She used to drive me and my sister around town on her bike, but it felt save behind her back, trying to wrap my little arms around her. Perhaps I should give her a call...

I'm in doubt whether or not I will get a cat when I've got my own place. She's such a beauty!

Went shopping in Amsterdam with a friend / colleague. Our mission: shoes. 

At the end the only thing I bought was a pair of skinny jeans. Mission failed.

It has started!

The season we've all been waiting for has finally arrived: summer! As far as I'm concerned, this season couldn't start soon enough so I am as happy as can be. Yesterday I woke up rather early to get the things done I normally do on a Saturday, and afterwards got myself comfortable on the balcony: soaking up the sunshine, working on my tan and getting some (well-deserved) rest. What a way to spend a Saturday! I love it!

Fingers crossed it's going to be a lovely, sunny, warm, exciting and long summer: I'm ready!

Above and beyond.

So, the first season of salsa lessons has come to an end. It were ten fun weeks of learning something new, meeting new people and moving out of my comfort zone. Must say: so far, so good. Though I was really nervous during the first introduction class, I felt at ease rather quickly and each lesson it became more fun because I got more confident with the dance and the people. Only at the beginning of the classes I was reminded of the fact that I didn't have a partner, as we all had to make couples and often me and another girl (now a sort of friend, actually) were the last ones standing.

Just because I like it so much and want to learn more on how to become a better dancer, I've already signed up for the next season, starting August 30th. Can't wait! But in order to get through the summer I've also decided to sign up for a course on bachata dancing. To be honest: this is more my cup of tea. How I love to dance real close to my guy... It's already my thing on a regular night out, so why not take some classes and be able to give it a name? Next time a guy is freakin' out (though I can't recall last time this happened) because I'm bumping and grinding, I can say 'don't worry, it's called bachata. Look it up on the Internet.'
Yeah, I got my dirty moves all covered.

Another first step.

The first cut is the deepest: contacted a real estate agent to help us sell the house. On to the next chapter...

My life in pictures: May & June

Meeting up with friends in Leiden on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

A beautiful view during one of my latest cycling trips.

The plants seemed to enjoy the weather in May. I thought it was still a bit cold and rainy though.

Riding my bike, aiming to do it on a daily basis. Feels good and makes me look good,so why not continue doing it?

Organized a sort of high tea for a couple of girls. Fun! 

Didn't think the bike ride was sufficient so I decided to climb a hill as well...

The beginning of the end.

Moving forward, I’ve been trying to do it for the past 3 months but can’t say I’ve been very successful. Guess it’s one of those things that’s easier said than done. Or I’m just not trying hard enough. Either way: it still sucks. Why is it so hard for me to make up my mind, make a decision and stick with it? Because of the hurt it’s causing to others? Because I’m afraid I might regret it later on in life? Won’t I regret it as well if I never take any chances? Looking back on a boring, plain and simple life and never explored the world, moved beyond my own boundaries and experienced life. I’m fully aware I only have one life, but why am I still holding back?

Afraid, insecure and too concerned of the effect it will have on others. But what about me? Will I be proud of myself, looking back, that I’ve lived my life the way I did, in order to keep others happy? Don’t want to sound posh, because I’m not always that considerate, but should I stay with him just because I can’t deal with seeing him unhappy? The tears, the hurt in his eyes, the neglect and not responding when I’m talking to him: I’m the only one to blame. To be honest: I’d respond the same way, even worse probably. Yelling and screaming, starting a fight over the smallest things, that’s how it’d be if it was the other way around.

He defriended me on Facebook today. First things first, of course. It’s probably for the best because now he can’t monitor my every move, which might give him some peace of mind. At least, I hope it does. He wants me, and no one else but me, and that’s what he keeps saying. As if he’s trying to convince himself that it’s the right thing to do and say, but it’s not. Why would you want to stay with someone who’s confirmed she doesn’t want to be with you? He’s hurt. Defeated. I wrecked his manhood, stole his pride and made a mess of him. I demolished a human being, not physically but emotionally, which is probably even worse. How proud will I be, by the time I’m 85 and looking back at my life, to be able to say that’s one of the things I’ve accomplished? I already hate myself for it. And it has only just begun…

The list. (update)

It's been two months since I've published the list and it's time for an update. Am I heading in the right direction? I often tend to get lost by looking back too much, so I do hope the progress means I'm actually moving forward.

Travel.
1. All-inclusive 8-day vacation (anywhere sunny and > 25°C)
2. Road trip Europe
3. Southeast Asia
4. Australia
5. New Zealand
6. Road trip U.S.A.

Update: Booking has been made to go to Portugal for a week with my friend, The One from Work. We've been discussing it for almost a month when we finally came to the conclusion we just had to get together, get our laptops and confirm the freakin' booking. In the end the decision was made within 10 minutes. Countdown: 13 weeks.

Personal.
1. Overcome my shyness
2. Become brave
3. Be able to manage on my own
4. Enjoy the little things in life
5. Live life to the fullest
6. Be confident with my body and my overall looks
7. Make new friends
8. Meet up with old friends

Update: I think it's safe to say I've made some new friends the past few months. Not the kind of friends I'd share the story of my life with, but they're nice enough to spend time and have fun with. I've also met up with old friends, which was a reality-check because they knew me the way I used to be and I hope they've noticed the difference in my personality etc. I'm not as uptight as I used to be, so I guess I might actually be fun to have around: we'll see if I get invited again.

To do.
1. Find a place to live (a.s.a.p.)
2. Apply for a job as a PA
3. Get a manicure (Update: done)
4. Get a pedicure (Update: done)
5. Live abroad for at least 1 year
6. Make the site a success
7. Learn how to salsa dance (Update: signed up and already had seven or eight lessons)
8. Celebrate carnival in Rio
9. Go to a music concert (Update: tickets for Bruno Mars concert 15th of October are a fact!)
10. Finish (at least) one project (writing a book)

Home alone.

For the first time since what feels like forever, I have the house to myself. Yeaaah!

The Boss is on a business trip to Germany for the weekend and I get to spend three days on my own. What's a girl to do when such a magical opportunity comes around? Well, I went salsa dancing last night but that's nothing new or overly exciting. Today I'll be having lunch with an ex-colleague and his girlfriend, which will be fun but not something extraordinary for a single girl, like me. Sunday afternoon will be occupied with a high tea with a couple of girls, so I'll be spending most of my Sunday morning in the kitchen trying to put something eatable together. (if this mission fails I also know how and where I'll spend my Sunday evening... )

So... what's a single girl to do while home alone? I guess, in my case, nothing fancy, sexy or exciting after all. But of course I ain't telling that to The Boss: I've got three days to come up with a better version of the truth!

Nothing but the truth.

X: 'Soooo, you're still living with your ex, aight?'
Me: 'Yeah well, you know; it's kind of difficult to sell the place and find something new right now.'
X: 'Okay.'
Me: 'Why?'
X: 'Well, it's kind of unhealthy, don't you think?'

Yeah, I guess it is...

What was I thinking?

I've been looking back again, not in regards to my relationship with The Boss, but to blogs I wrote a couple of years ago (2007). They're bad, and that's a mild description, some would call them terrible or even horrendous. The fact that it's badly written is one thing, but what's even worse: they've been published on the Internet. I'm glad they've been removed as time passed, and hopefully they can't be retrieved by some kind of miracle. I'm actually ashamed of the things I wrote back then, let alone the fact that I thought it would be fun (??) to share these thoughts with others, on the World Wide Web of all places. What was I thinking?! Even now, my teenage mind is still a mystery to me.

However, one of the other things I ran in to were pictures of me and the kids that made me sooo happy back then. Because of them I realised how badly I wanted to become a mom, while I never had that ambition before. Looking at these pictures makes me happy, because they bring back memories, but they make me sad as well because it was such a disturbing, confusing and harsh period of my life. I just hope, when looking back on the things I've posted so far, I'm not making a fool out of myself again. Especially if you consider I find myself hilarious these days. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get sarcasm across in writing? You'd think I'd learned my lesson by now, right?! Let's hope so, but only time can tell. Well, can't go wrong with a cute picture, so here we go:

Who am I?

There's so much out there, waiting for me to explore, to experience and to conquer. There are countries to visit, people to meet and things to do. Lots of things to do. I'm turning 25 this summer and still got sooo many things to do. How 'bout writing a book? Solo traveling. Learn another language. Live life, because life's too short to linger around and not move forward. I have to stop looking back and start looking forward, pronto! Envision my nearby future rather than betting on the long-term. You never know what will happen: a year ago I thought (and truly hoped) I'd be having a child with The Boss around this time, and look at me now...

Who am I? Who do I want to be? What can I do? What do I mean to other people? Am I using my time wisely? ... This is just a small portion of the thoughts filling my head at this moment. Yeah, I worry a lot, always have and probably always will, let's just say it keeps my mind occupied. If you could lose weight by brain exercise I would be a twig bitch in no time. Unfortunately I still have to get off my ass and move it in order to lose the final pounds I want to shed (lost 20lbs / 10kg so far). I'm not as worried about my appearance anymore, as I mentioned on Facebook: if you don't like what you see, I suggest you look the other way. So I've got the outside covered; now I've got to go to work on the inside. Upgrade the personality, get my act together and move on. Move forward; it will be steep and uphill, but I bet the view from the top will be extraordinary!

The meaning of friendship.

Google knows everything, right? Well, hereby the results of the meaning of friendship:

A true friend is someone who sticks by you when you are down and celebrates with you when you are up. It's someone you trust. It is someone who understands you, knows the real you and appreciates the person you are. (Yahoo search result)

• I have friends I talk to everyday day. 
• I have friends I can only take in small doses. 
• I have church friends, ones I only see on Sunday. 
• I have work friends, ones I only see at work. (Yahoo search result) 

Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people. Although there are many forms of friendship, some of which may vary from place to place, certain characteristics are present in many types of friendship. Such characteristics include affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company,trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend. While there is no practical limit on what types of people can form a friendship, friends tend to share common backgrounds, occupations, or interests, and have similar demographics. (Wikipedia)

I guess we all have a different perception of friendship, all that matters is that you and your friend(s) are on the same page. I always considered myself to be kind of a loner, not much of a peoples-person, preferring spending time with The Boss, at all times. How off have I been? I must be grateful to my friends, for being as open-minded as they are, considerate and thoughtful, as they were quietly waiting for me to figure it out. On my own, of course, 'cause that's just how I roll. After all these years I could still send them a text, without thinking twice of being judged or turned down, because I knew they'd be there. Same as I'd be there for them.

Or the new friends I've made, without realizing I had. I'm not a fan of labelling, so it doesn't happen very often I actually call somebody a friend. While in fact: they are. The ones you can send a text, trying to appear cheerful, but in reality you're breaking down in the middle of a mall, and they simply reply: 'Wanna come over?' Thankful, that's how I felt at that specific moment, as if I'd been saved. Saved by someone else than The Boss, on whom I've always depended  to be my rescuer. It has opened my eyes, which had been closed for so long. It's good to see again.

Truth behind your lies.

What to do when you know something, which will be hurtful to others, but is not your secret to share? I've been caught in a situation which involves several people close to me, and I've heard things that weren't meant for me to hear. Don't get me wrong: I wasn't eavesdropping! While it's something I often do, especially at the office, this time I wasn't being nosy or anything. I got in a conversation with the wrong guy, who didn't know I was linked to this specific person the way I am. Okay, the situation is too complicated to explain, especially because I don't want to make it too obvious. (While it already is...)

It's not my secret to share, but how I wish I could just warn them. Warn them before either one makes a huge fool out of themselves. Can't ignore the fact that I've been upset over the whole thing, and there's no-one for me to share it with. I told The Boss though, and he's been very helpful. (And happy at the same time, with me being quite an honest person he never had to worry about a similar situation) Some might consider my truthfulness a weakness, but I appreciate it when others come to me and confide personal stories, I like to be trustworthy. I just wish I could be honest about this situation because someone is being treated unfair, without that person even knowing.

Aargh, do you understand my dilemma? Hasn't anyone come up yet with the trick to un-know things you don't want to know? If only there was a way for me to forget. Perhaps I should get really, really drunk tonight...

When in doubt...

It's hard to be honest, especially in real life, 'cause I don't want to bother others with my sad and miserable stories. Trust me; they would drive any sane person over the edge... But after holding everything inside for two months, I came to the conclusion that ignoring my own emotions is not making me feel any better. It has the opposite effect, actually. I've been worried about The Boss's feelings, trying to comfort him, make things easy on him, while we both struggle to find a way through the current situation. It's not helping though, because every time I am nice to him, I see a fresh glimpse of hope in his eyes. Those tiny bits of acknowledgment in which I see hope overcoming desperation. It's the conformation: I'm only making things worse.

Remember, at the beginning of April, when I wrote:

It was the biggest part of me, but at the same time it was the one thing that kept me down. It withheld me from exploring; it kept me from being me. It's funny how you can make yourself believe that you're comfortable in a situation, think you're experiencing love while in fact it's just a habit. A habit of caring for the other, feeling responsible and feeling the need to keep the other happy at all times. How can you turn your back on something of which you thought it was completing you? While instead it was just the fear of leaving that kept you in that situation in the first place. It's weird to look back and feel the way I do, and seeing it in writing makes it look so ... desperate.

I guess I've been lost for quite a while, feeling like a part of my life was missing, and all that time I've been looking for me. It took me so long to figure that one out. Looks like I'm not that smart after all. But they say love makes blind, and I do think that's true, in a way. I easily let myself get carried away, especially when it comes to love and caring, making my man the centre point of attention. The centre point of my life. Yeah, I get carried away at times, but I don't think it's something I would change. It's a definite part of me, and I can't cut loose of that.

I remember feeling that way, in a far distant memory. Right now I'm in doubt. In doubt whether the path I've chosen is actually the right one, because if it is: why does it hurt so bad?! Not just me, but The Boss as well (even more). Shouldn't the right decision make things easier? Make me (us) feel better? Or is this a hurdle thrown at me to overcome? Like: you're already conquering so much, have a go at this... For once I'm facing a test I'm not sure I will pass. Not sure I want to pass. Either way: it's some tough shit.

Alive and well.

It's been a while since my last post but I had a good excuse for my absence: my laptop broke down. Can you believe it?! I bought it in February and it already had given up on me. Worthless piece of... At least, that's how I felt when I realized he really wasn't going to cooperate when I wanted him to, but I got him fixed and he's up and running again. It's at least one relationship I managed to save.

So, what have I been up to? It would be too much text to write down (and rather boring for you to read) so I thought it might be fun to update you by using some pictures instead. I bought a new phone (Sony Xperia Miro) in March and got introduced to everything that's been happening this century. Felt like a grandma though, getting used to the new technology but I survived and, like my laptop, am up and running again.

 

 Festival in Harlem! // Sushi // Somewhere over the rainbow... // Another festival in Harlem  // Moved to the other bedroom, was about time...

The past two weeks have been rather hectic, not just at work but also personally and emotionally. I've tried so hard to be tough, to not show anyone how I really felt but in the end my emotions caught up. Must say I'm feeling better now, sometimes a good cry (minor mental breakdown) is sooo relieving!