When in doubt...

It's hard to be honest, especially in real life, 'cause I don't want to bother others with my sad and miserable stories. Trust me; they would drive any sane person over the edge... But after holding everything inside for two months, I came to the conclusion that ignoring my own emotions is not making me feel any better. It has the opposite effect, actually. I've been worried about The Boss's feelings, trying to comfort him, make things easy on him, while we both struggle to find a way through the current situation. It's not helping though, because every time I am nice to him, I see a fresh glimpse of hope in his eyes. Those tiny bits of acknowledgment in which I see hope overcoming desperation. It's the conformation: I'm only making things worse.

Remember, at the beginning of April, when I wrote:

It was the biggest part of me, but at the same time it was the one thing that kept me down. It withheld me from exploring; it kept me from being me. It's funny how you can make yourself believe that you're comfortable in a situation, think you're experiencing love while in fact it's just a habit. A habit of caring for the other, feeling responsible and feeling the need to keep the other happy at all times. How can you turn your back on something of which you thought it was completing you? While instead it was just the fear of leaving that kept you in that situation in the first place. It's weird to look back and feel the way I do, and seeing it in writing makes it look so ... desperate.

I guess I've been lost for quite a while, feeling like a part of my life was missing, and all that time I've been looking for me. It took me so long to figure that one out. Looks like I'm not that smart after all. But they say love makes blind, and I do think that's true, in a way. I easily let myself get carried away, especially when it comes to love and caring, making my man the centre point of attention. The centre point of my life. Yeah, I get carried away at times, but I don't think it's something I would change. It's a definite part of me, and I can't cut loose of that.

I remember feeling that way, in a far distant memory. Right now I'm in doubt. In doubt whether the path I've chosen is actually the right one, because if it is: why does it hurt so bad?! Not just me, but The Boss as well (even more). Shouldn't the right decision make things easier? Make me (us) feel better? Or is this a hurdle thrown at me to overcome? Like: you're already conquering so much, have a go at this... For once I'm facing a test I'm not sure I will pass. Not sure I want to pass. Either way: it's some tough shit.