What was I thinking?

I've been looking back again, not in regards to my relationship with The Boss, but to blogs I wrote a couple of years ago (2007). They're bad, and that's a mild description, some would call them terrible or even horrendous. The fact that it's badly written is one thing, but what's even worse: they've been published on the Internet. I'm glad they've been removed as time passed, and hopefully they can't be retrieved by some kind of miracle. I'm actually ashamed of the things I wrote back then, let alone the fact that I thought it would be fun (??) to share these thoughts with others, on the World Wide Web of all places. What was I thinking?! Even now, my teenage mind is still a mystery to me.

However, one of the other things I ran in to were pictures of me and the kids that made me sooo happy back then. Because of them I realised how badly I wanted to become a mom, while I never had that ambition before. Looking at these pictures makes me happy, because they bring back memories, but they make me sad as well because it was such a disturbing, confusing and harsh period of my life. I just hope, when looking back on the things I've posted so far, I'm not making a fool out of myself again. Especially if you consider I find myself hilarious these days. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get sarcasm across in writing? You'd think I'd learned my lesson by now, right?! Let's hope so, but only time can tell. Well, can't go wrong with a cute picture, so here we go:

Who am I?

There's so much out there, waiting for me to explore, to experience and to conquer. There are countries to visit, people to meet and things to do. Lots of things to do. I'm turning 25 this summer and still got sooo many things to do. How 'bout writing a book? Solo traveling. Learn another language. Live life, because life's too short to linger around and not move forward. I have to stop looking back and start looking forward, pronto! Envision my nearby future rather than betting on the long-term. You never know what will happen: a year ago I thought (and truly hoped) I'd be having a child with The Boss around this time, and look at me now...

Who am I? Who do I want to be? What can I do? What do I mean to other people? Am I using my time wisely? ... This is just a small portion of the thoughts filling my head at this moment. Yeah, I worry a lot, always have and probably always will, let's just say it keeps my mind occupied. If you could lose weight by brain exercise I would be a twig bitch in no time. Unfortunately I still have to get off my ass and move it in order to lose the final pounds I want to shed (lost 20lbs / 10kg so far). I'm not as worried about my appearance anymore, as I mentioned on Facebook: if you don't like what you see, I suggest you look the other way. So I've got the outside covered; now I've got to go to work on the inside. Upgrade the personality, get my act together and move on. Move forward; it will be steep and uphill, but I bet the view from the top will be extraordinary!

The meaning of friendship.

Google knows everything, right? Well, hereby the results of the meaning of friendship:

A true friend is someone who sticks by you when you are down and celebrates with you when you are up. It's someone you trust. It is someone who understands you, knows the real you and appreciates the person you are. (Yahoo search result)

• I have friends I talk to everyday day. 
• I have friends I can only take in small doses. 
• I have church friends, ones I only see on Sunday. 
• I have work friends, ones I only see at work. (Yahoo search result) 

Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people. Although there are many forms of friendship, some of which may vary from place to place, certain characteristics are present in many types of friendship. Such characteristics include affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company,trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend. While there is no practical limit on what types of people can form a friendship, friends tend to share common backgrounds, occupations, or interests, and have similar demographics. (Wikipedia)

I guess we all have a different perception of friendship, all that matters is that you and your friend(s) are on the same page. I always considered myself to be kind of a loner, not much of a peoples-person, preferring spending time with The Boss, at all times. How off have I been? I must be grateful to my friends, for being as open-minded as they are, considerate and thoughtful, as they were quietly waiting for me to figure it out. On my own, of course, 'cause that's just how I roll. After all these years I could still send them a text, without thinking twice of being judged or turned down, because I knew they'd be there. Same as I'd be there for them.

Or the new friends I've made, without realizing I had. I'm not a fan of labelling, so it doesn't happen very often I actually call somebody a friend. While in fact: they are. The ones you can send a text, trying to appear cheerful, but in reality you're breaking down in the middle of a mall, and they simply reply: 'Wanna come over?' Thankful, that's how I felt at that specific moment, as if I'd been saved. Saved by someone else than The Boss, on whom I've always depended  to be my rescuer. It has opened my eyes, which had been closed for so long. It's good to see again.

Truth behind your lies.

What to do when you know something, which will be hurtful to others, but is not your secret to share? I've been caught in a situation which involves several people close to me, and I've heard things that weren't meant for me to hear. Don't get me wrong: I wasn't eavesdropping! While it's something I often do, especially at the office, this time I wasn't being nosy or anything. I got in a conversation with the wrong guy, who didn't know I was linked to this specific person the way I am. Okay, the situation is too complicated to explain, especially because I don't want to make it too obvious. (While it already is...)

It's not my secret to share, but how I wish I could just warn them. Warn them before either one makes a huge fool out of themselves. Can't ignore the fact that I've been upset over the whole thing, and there's no-one for me to share it with. I told The Boss though, and he's been very helpful. (And happy at the same time, with me being quite an honest person he never had to worry about a similar situation) Some might consider my truthfulness a weakness, but I appreciate it when others come to me and confide personal stories, I like to be trustworthy. I just wish I could be honest about this situation because someone is being treated unfair, without that person even knowing.

Aargh, do you understand my dilemma? Hasn't anyone come up yet with the trick to un-know things you don't want to know? If only there was a way for me to forget. Perhaps I should get really, really drunk tonight...

When in doubt...

It's hard to be honest, especially in real life, 'cause I don't want to bother others with my sad and miserable stories. Trust me; they would drive any sane person over the edge... But after holding everything inside for two months, I came to the conclusion that ignoring my own emotions is not making me feel any better. It has the opposite effect, actually. I've been worried about The Boss's feelings, trying to comfort him, make things easy on him, while we both struggle to find a way through the current situation. It's not helping though, because every time I am nice to him, I see a fresh glimpse of hope in his eyes. Those tiny bits of acknowledgment in which I see hope overcoming desperation. It's the conformation: I'm only making things worse.

Remember, at the beginning of April, when I wrote:

It was the biggest part of me, but at the same time it was the one thing that kept me down. It withheld me from exploring; it kept me from being me. It's funny how you can make yourself believe that you're comfortable in a situation, think you're experiencing love while in fact it's just a habit. A habit of caring for the other, feeling responsible and feeling the need to keep the other happy at all times. How can you turn your back on something of which you thought it was completing you? While instead it was just the fear of leaving that kept you in that situation in the first place. It's weird to look back and feel the way I do, and seeing it in writing makes it look so ... desperate.

I guess I've been lost for quite a while, feeling like a part of my life was missing, and all that time I've been looking for me. It took me so long to figure that one out. Looks like I'm not that smart after all. But they say love makes blind, and I do think that's true, in a way. I easily let myself get carried away, especially when it comes to love and caring, making my man the centre point of attention. The centre point of my life. Yeah, I get carried away at times, but I don't think it's something I would change. It's a definite part of me, and I can't cut loose of that.

I remember feeling that way, in a far distant memory. Right now I'm in doubt. In doubt whether the path I've chosen is actually the right one, because if it is: why does it hurt so bad?! Not just me, but The Boss as well (even more). Shouldn't the right decision make things easier? Make me (us) feel better? Or is this a hurdle thrown at me to overcome? Like: you're already conquering so much, have a go at this... For once I'm facing a test I'm not sure I will pass. Not sure I want to pass. Either way: it's some tough shit.

Alive and well.

It's been a while since my last post but I had a good excuse for my absence: my laptop broke down. Can you believe it?! I bought it in February and it already had given up on me. Worthless piece of... At least, that's how I felt when I realized he really wasn't going to cooperate when I wanted him to, but I got him fixed and he's up and running again. It's at least one relationship I managed to save.

So, what have I been up to? It would be too much text to write down (and rather boring for you to read) so I thought it might be fun to update you by using some pictures instead. I bought a new phone (Sony Xperia Miro) in March and got introduced to everything that's been happening this century. Felt like a grandma though, getting used to the new technology but I survived and, like my laptop, am up and running again.

 

 Festival in Harlem! // Sushi // Somewhere over the rainbow... // Another festival in Harlem  // Moved to the other bedroom, was about time...

The past two weeks have been rather hectic, not just at work but also personally and emotionally. I've tried so hard to be tough, to not show anyone how I really felt but in the end my emotions caught up. Must say I'm feeling better now, sometimes a good cry (minor mental breakdown) is sooo relieving! 

Things that make me smile.

Every now and then I get overwhelmed by a genuine feeling of happiness. I'd never thought I could ever be this happy: being single and discovering new versions of me. Turns out there are more sides to my personality than I'd ever thought possible. Maybe my funny and humorous side is not too far away... 

Things that made me smile the last couple of days:

- It's already light outside at 06:00! Waking up while the sun is already out is the best start of the day. For real.

- I'm so much happier now the next season has arrived. I can feel it in every tiny part of me. Even my hair is agreeing with me, and that's a first in like ... ever! So happy I bought those hair curlers, they make me feel (and look, to be honest) so much better and cheerful. It's like my appearance finally caught up with my personality.

- Getting to cuddle with my (our) guinea pigs. I've missed them! They're just too cute.

- No more trips to Copenhagen. Don't get me wrong: it was fun and an experience I wouldn't have wanted to miss, but it was exhausting, nerve-wracking and intense. But it's done, which means the worst part is over.

- I'm feeling less stressed out every day. Which is, for me, a huge improvement as I'm commonly known as: 'that chick that constantly stresses out about everything', but I'm totally relaxed nowadays. And no, I'm not smoking pot!

Trying not to care.

One of the things that bothers me the most about myself is the fact that I care too much about what other people think. High school was hell, mostly because of this and there was no-one else to blame, but me. Most people don't even know it as it was all in my mind. I just had to get over it, but that was sooo much easier said than done.

Even nowadays, I'm still caught by the fear of whether people think I am weird; if they think I'm unpretty or just generally don't like me. I want to be liked so bad that I'm embarrassing myself even more. It's a vicious circle that's hard to break, and trust me: I've tried. The contradicting part of this story is that people often don't even think that much of me... Funny how someone (me) can be so insecure, yet have their mind set as if others spent the majority of their time watching them and forming an opinion. Fact: people really do have better things to do, and that's what I've been telling myself too.

That's why I'm trying not to care too much anymore. I've already got so much going on in my life that I can't spent my time trying to convince others I'm actually like-able. If they don't like me: fine. It's easy to write this down and these words require actions to be taken in real-life, but I'll do it. It's something I have to conquer in order to move on. And I'm ready to move on 'cause I really like this path I've decided to take. It's my yellow brick road, and I'm on my way of becoming a fierce lioness.

Queen's Day: The Final.

Yesterday was historic and I've been celebrating in Amsterdam, of all places. It’s the Orange capitol, 'cause they do take those things seriously around here. Do not joke with the Dutch when it comes to the pride and honour of their country. If you want to blend in on a day like this you'd better be wearing the theme colour. (which is orange, if you hadn't noticed yet)

It was a memorable day, not only because Queen Beatrix abdicated but on this very same day the new King, Willem-Alexander, has been inaugurated. In other words: things will never be the same again. Not only in regards to his (expected) different way of reign, but next year we'll be celebrating King's Day, and no longer on the 30th of April but on the 27th instead. It's understandable but still, it'll probably feel a bit weird. Good thing we've got a year to get used to the idea. Thankfully the theme colour will remain the same...

I am inspired.

I'm not the kind of girl who gets up and leaves; I always prefer a solid situation, in which I know the boundaries and expectations. That's the main reason why I never noticed the downward spiral the Boss and I were caught in, not until it was too late. And even then it was extremely hard to cut loose and leave. I'm not good at leaving, back in the day I had major difficulties at the end of the summer; saying goodbye to the boy I'd only known for two weeks. Picture me saying goodbye to the man I'd spent 6 years with ...it was horrible. A lot of ugly crying too.

But a few weeks ago I discovered the blog of a very inspiring woman, twenty-something and solo world traveling. I know I've still got a long way to go, but reading her posts really helps me to grow stronger, it motivates to save more money and follow my dreams. Life's fun, after all.

Follow Kate on her adventures: http://www.adventurouskate.com/