The beginning of the end.

Moving forward, I’ve been trying to do it for the past 3 months but can’t say I’ve been very successful. Guess it’s one of those things that’s easier said than done. Or I’m just not trying hard enough. Either way: it still sucks. Why is it so hard for me to make up my mind, make a decision and stick with it? Because of the hurt it’s causing to others? Because I’m afraid I might regret it later on in life? Won’t I regret it as well if I never take any chances? Looking back on a boring, plain and simple life and never explored the world, moved beyond my own boundaries and experienced life. I’m fully aware I only have one life, but why am I still holding back?

Afraid, insecure and too concerned of the effect it will have on others. But what about me? Will I be proud of myself, looking back, that I’ve lived my life the way I did, in order to keep others happy? Don’t want to sound posh, because I’m not always that considerate, but should I stay with him just because I can’t deal with seeing him unhappy? The tears, the hurt in his eyes, the neglect and not responding when I’m talking to him: I’m the only one to blame. To be honest: I’d respond the same way, even worse probably. Yelling and screaming, starting a fight over the smallest things, that’s how it’d be if it was the other way around.

He defriended me on Facebook today. First things first, of course. It’s probably for the best because now he can’t monitor my every move, which might give him some peace of mind. At least, I hope it does. He wants me, and no one else but me, and that’s what he keeps saying. As if he’s trying to convince himself that it’s the right thing to do and say, but it’s not. Why would you want to stay with someone who’s confirmed she doesn’t want to be with you? He’s hurt. Defeated. I wrecked his manhood, stole his pride and made a mess of him. I demolished a human being, not physically but emotionally, which is probably even worse. How proud will I be, by the time I’m 85 and looking back at my life, to be able to say that’s one of the things I’ve accomplished? I already hate myself for it. And it has only just begun…