Another first step.

The first cut is the deepest: contacted a real estate agent to help us sell the house. On to the next chapter...

My life in pictures: May & June

Meeting up with friends in Leiden on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

A beautiful view during one of my latest cycling trips.

The plants seemed to enjoy the weather in May. I thought it was still a bit cold and rainy though.

Riding my bike, aiming to do it on a daily basis. Feels good and makes me look good,so why not continue doing it?

Organized a sort of high tea for a couple of girls. Fun! 

Didn't think the bike ride was sufficient so I decided to climb a hill as well...

The beginning of the end.

Moving forward, I’ve been trying to do it for the past 3 months but can’t say I’ve been very successful. Guess it’s one of those things that’s easier said than done. Or I’m just not trying hard enough. Either way: it still sucks. Why is it so hard for me to make up my mind, make a decision and stick with it? Because of the hurt it’s causing to others? Because I’m afraid I might regret it later on in life? Won’t I regret it as well if I never take any chances? Looking back on a boring, plain and simple life and never explored the world, moved beyond my own boundaries and experienced life. I’m fully aware I only have one life, but why am I still holding back?

Afraid, insecure and too concerned of the effect it will have on others. But what about me? Will I be proud of myself, looking back, that I’ve lived my life the way I did, in order to keep others happy? Don’t want to sound posh, because I’m not always that considerate, but should I stay with him just because I can’t deal with seeing him unhappy? The tears, the hurt in his eyes, the neglect and not responding when I’m talking to him: I’m the only one to blame. To be honest: I’d respond the same way, even worse probably. Yelling and screaming, starting a fight over the smallest things, that’s how it’d be if it was the other way around.

He defriended me on Facebook today. First things first, of course. It’s probably for the best because now he can’t monitor my every move, which might give him some peace of mind. At least, I hope it does. He wants me, and no one else but me, and that’s what he keeps saying. As if he’s trying to convince himself that it’s the right thing to do and say, but it’s not. Why would you want to stay with someone who’s confirmed she doesn’t want to be with you? He’s hurt. Defeated. I wrecked his manhood, stole his pride and made a mess of him. I demolished a human being, not physically but emotionally, which is probably even worse. How proud will I be, by the time I’m 85 and looking back at my life, to be able to say that’s one of the things I’ve accomplished? I already hate myself for it. And it has only just begun…

The list. (update)

It's been two months since I've published the list and it's time for an update. Am I heading in the right direction? I often tend to get lost by looking back too much, so I do hope the progress means I'm actually moving forward.

Travel.
1. All-inclusive 8-day vacation (anywhere sunny and > 25°C)
2. Road trip Europe
3. Southeast Asia
4. Australia
5. New Zealand
6. Road trip U.S.A.

Update: Booking has been made to go to Portugal for a week with my friend, The One from Work. We've been discussing it for almost a month when we finally came to the conclusion we just had to get together, get our laptops and confirm the freakin' booking. In the end the decision was made within 10 minutes. Countdown: 13 weeks.

Personal.
1. Overcome my shyness
2. Become brave
3. Be able to manage on my own
4. Enjoy the little things in life
5. Live life to the fullest
6. Be confident with my body and my overall looks
7. Make new friends
8. Meet up with old friends

Update: I think it's safe to say I've made some new friends the past few months. Not the kind of friends I'd share the story of my life with, but they're nice enough to spend time and have fun with. I've also met up with old friends, which was a reality-check because they knew me the way I used to be and I hope they've noticed the difference in my personality etc. I'm not as uptight as I used to be, so I guess I might actually be fun to have around: we'll see if I get invited again.

To do.
1. Find a place to live (a.s.a.p.)
2. Apply for a job as a PA
3. Get a manicure (Update: done)
4. Get a pedicure (Update: done)
5. Live abroad for at least 1 year
6. Make the site a success
7. Learn how to salsa dance (Update: signed up and already had seven or eight lessons)
8. Celebrate carnival in Rio
9. Go to a music concert (Update: tickets for Bruno Mars concert 15th of October are a fact!)
10. Finish (at least) one project (writing a book)

Home alone.

For the first time since what feels like forever, I have the house to myself. Yeaaah!

The Boss is on a business trip to Germany for the weekend and I get to spend three days on my own. What's a girl to do when such a magical opportunity comes around? Well, I went salsa dancing last night but that's nothing new or overly exciting. Today I'll be having lunch with an ex-colleague and his girlfriend, which will be fun but not something extraordinary for a single girl, like me. Sunday afternoon will be occupied with a high tea with a couple of girls, so I'll be spending most of my Sunday morning in the kitchen trying to put something eatable together. (if this mission fails I also know how and where I'll spend my Sunday evening... )

So... what's a single girl to do while home alone? I guess, in my case, nothing fancy, sexy or exciting after all. But of course I ain't telling that to The Boss: I've got three days to come up with a better version of the truth!

Nothing but the truth.

X: 'Soooo, you're still living with your ex, aight?'
Me: 'Yeah well, you know; it's kind of difficult to sell the place and find something new right now.'
X: 'Okay.'
Me: 'Why?'
X: 'Well, it's kind of unhealthy, don't you think?'

Yeah, I guess it is...

What was I thinking?

I've been looking back again, not in regards to my relationship with The Boss, but to blogs I wrote a couple of years ago (2007). They're bad, and that's a mild description, some would call them terrible or even horrendous. The fact that it's badly written is one thing, but what's even worse: they've been published on the Internet. I'm glad they've been removed as time passed, and hopefully they can't be retrieved by some kind of miracle. I'm actually ashamed of the things I wrote back then, let alone the fact that I thought it would be fun (??) to share these thoughts with others, on the World Wide Web of all places. What was I thinking?! Even now, my teenage mind is still a mystery to me.

However, one of the other things I ran in to were pictures of me and the kids that made me sooo happy back then. Because of them I realised how badly I wanted to become a mom, while I never had that ambition before. Looking at these pictures makes me happy, because they bring back memories, but they make me sad as well because it was such a disturbing, confusing and harsh period of my life. I just hope, when looking back on the things I've posted so far, I'm not making a fool out of myself again. Especially if you consider I find myself hilarious these days. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get sarcasm across in writing? You'd think I'd learned my lesson by now, right?! Let's hope so, but only time can tell. Well, can't go wrong with a cute picture, so here we go:

Who am I?

There's so much out there, waiting for me to explore, to experience and to conquer. There are countries to visit, people to meet and things to do. Lots of things to do. I'm turning 25 this summer and still got sooo many things to do. How 'bout writing a book? Solo traveling. Learn another language. Live life, because life's too short to linger around and not move forward. I have to stop looking back and start looking forward, pronto! Envision my nearby future rather than betting on the long-term. You never know what will happen: a year ago I thought (and truly hoped) I'd be having a child with The Boss around this time, and look at me now...

Who am I? Who do I want to be? What can I do? What do I mean to other people? Am I using my time wisely? ... This is just a small portion of the thoughts filling my head at this moment. Yeah, I worry a lot, always have and probably always will, let's just say it keeps my mind occupied. If you could lose weight by brain exercise I would be a twig bitch in no time. Unfortunately I still have to get off my ass and move it in order to lose the final pounds I want to shed (lost 20lbs / 10kg so far). I'm not as worried about my appearance anymore, as I mentioned on Facebook: if you don't like what you see, I suggest you look the other way. So I've got the outside covered; now I've got to go to work on the inside. Upgrade the personality, get my act together and move on. Move forward; it will be steep and uphill, but I bet the view from the top will be extraordinary!