My life in pictures: October

Gosh, can you believe it? It's already the end of October!

Out to dinner in Harlem

My ex's new roommate, guess who he thinks is better looking...

Going for a walk on the beach with a friend and having dinner afterwards. Great fun!

Sunday afternoon sightseeing in Utrecht

So cute! It was hard to resist but I didn't take him home in the end

(familiar dilemma to Saturday nights out - inside joke)

Just a small queue for the Bruno Mars concert on October 15th but it was sooo worth it!

Standing ovation

Well, it's commonly known he melts millions of hearts worldwide but as I witnessed him bring 10.000 females to their knees there is no denying: he's got it! He's hot, sensational, incredibly talented and a player. He knows the game, he owns the game and he plays it very, very well. Who I am talking about? You haven't guessed yet? Bruno Mars, of course.

Bruno Mars and his hooligans blew the roof off the Ziggo Dome in Amsterdam. Though he started twenty minutes late, this was quickly forgiven when they started playing; what a show! Back in March when the tickets were bought, I thought it would be fun to stand in the floor area rather than have seats, as I thought we wouldn't be able to dance. But what I hadn't thought about was my sister, who was joining me to the concert, being twenty centimetres shorter than I am. On top of that Bruno is also rather short which made it even more challenging. So I guess I was watching the show and she was listening to it because she couldn't see a thing. Darn these tall Dutch people...

Only fools rush in

Your decisions don't always have to make sense to others. 

Lately I'm being confronted with the opinion of others on some of the decisions I've made. It makes me wonder who is to define whether my decisions are wrong or right and how much I should value the opinion of others anyway. Because who's life am I living in the end? 

It's an internal confrontation I'm dealing with as one side of me wants to please others and keep everybody happy but on the other hand I want to be stronger, fearless and most importantly: alive. What's the point of living if you are doing it the way others want you to? How about growing a pair of balls (not literally, please) and start doing things my way. I will probably struggle and stumble, fall flat on my face, get bruised and embarressed but I feel confident, fierce full and surrounded by good people who will help me get back on my feet. Let's go! 

Something to remember

At the beginning of August I wrote a post called 'Want some cheese with that line?' and it was about a man I met at a party. He had taken the effort to chat me up with some real cheesy lines and I enjoyed his sense of humour (and the British accent!). Unfortunately, back then, I was still very concerned of the Boss' emotions and him reading it, coming to wrong conclusions and it resulting in a huge argument. Well, we did end up in a huge argument but that wasn't because of what I'd written, nor about the Soldier I'd met, but just because of the emotional frustration we were dealing with at the time.

I pulled the post back shortly after I published it and deleted it completely after a few moments of doubt (I am very thorough). It was a fun blog and it reminded me of the moment at the bar; being chatted up like that was something I'd never experienced before. Unfortunately I was too concerned about others being upset by it that I didn't consider me being upset for deleting it. The old 'if I knew then what I know now' story but; shit happens.

A long intro to get to the point of today's post: another new experience! Last week I went out to dinner with my manager and an important customer of ours, when I saw two guys looking at my boots. OK, the boots were ugly (horrendous) but they kept my feet warm so I didn't really care. But, me being nosy, when the rest of my group was walking towards our table, I just walked up to these guys and asked them whether there was something wrong with my shoes. You should've seen the look on their faces! Apparently they were unaware of me noticing their disapproving looks so it was quite funny to hear their excuses; my boots were out of style, last season and all that. Seriously: who cares?! Anyway, not much later, just as we were finishing our starters; one of the guys came over and gave me a note. You should've seen the look on my face now! 

Sweet memories

My brain has an endless hard drive. I recall memories of years ago as if they happened yesterday. Last weekend the Boss told me our shared hard drive had fallen, hit the ground and was damaged so severely he couldn't fix it. In other words: all our pictures, stories and memories of the past 7 years are gone. Instantly, within seconds, completely wiped out. That's an easy way to get over me, you'd think...

Well, I won't give up that easily and since I still got the majority of our time together stored on my internal hard drive, I can relive the moments whenever I want. I don't resent the time we spent together, I cherish them. And therefore I don't mind looking back and listening to our songs, sometimes I actually enjoy it, even though he might not want me to. I deleted the things I didn't want to remember, made space on my hard drive for new experiences, but you can drop me, I can hit the ground, get bruised and slightly dented, but this hard drive will never break down. With karma being the bitch she is, I'll probably get hit by dementia...

(song starts at 00:19)

                                 

My life in pictures: September

Dude, where's my bike? Where's my bike, dude?

Speaks for itself... (yes, I am cheapass for buying AH brand and not real Ben&Jerry's)

New dress, in doubt whether or not I should buy it (did buy it in the end)

Proof I really went to the NS service desk at Utrecht

EasyJet; cheap, easy and fast. What's not to like?

Greeting from London!

A secret admirer? 

On speaking terms

Sometimes the biggest surprises can come in the smallest gestures

It's intriguing how, after not seeing each other on a daily basis for over 2 months, it can be somewhat awkward to spent time together again. I had not seen The Boss in weeks when I went to the house last week to pick up a parcel that he had accepted for me. For him to accept it was a kind gesture on itself but for him to put his ego aside and invite me in (which is really weird, considering I still spent half of my salary on the mortgage etc.) was truly surprising. It was actually nice to be at the house, to have a conversation rather than an argument and get updates on his recent whereabouts. In my case 'out of sight' doesn't mean out of mind, as I still care for him a lot and I prefer seeing him happy.

The way we've grown these past few weeks surprises me. We're much more mature, being able to put our emotions aside and focus on what's our common priority: selling the house. I'm glad we've reached this point, as it might be a positive forecast of how our relationship might transform back in to a solid friendship. I value the memories we've created together and I hope, one day, he will be able to look back on our years together with a smile rather than remorse. To look back on it and laugh about the silly things we’ve done. And as these things include me it’s safe to say we've encountered some weird shit over the years.

Just me (should be enough)

You should never feel the need to apologize for who you are 

Humour is important in any relationship, whether it's with family, friends or a new boyfriend. It's a huge plus when you have a similar sense of humour because nothing is as enjoyable as sharing a good laugh together. I consider myself lucky to be surrounded by people who understand my geeky / cheeky sense of humour, or just have the decency to laugh at anything I say...

But by me having the freedom to be me, I might take that freedom from others because they have a different way of showing (introvert vs. extrovert). That doesn't mean either one of us is right or wrong: it just means we have our own personality, which makes us perfectly unique. But I hate the thought of holding others down and putting them in the darkness, while I am bathing in space and sunshine. I'm currently working on finding a balance and try to dose my enthusiasm or spread it over several audiences (work, family and friends) so they will all have the chance to catch their breath again and relax their faces once I'm gone. Yeah, that's me being considerate, I can do that too: I am soooo multifunctional.

I wish I could say that I've found the confidence within myself to always feel free and be me at any time or with any audience, but I haven't reached that peaceful mind-set yet. Same as I am trying to find balance in giving others the space they need to be themselves, sometimes I need space to pull back and have some time on my own. They won't say it aloud but I sense it's highly appreciated by those around me, to have a break and some quiet time. And I get it, I would be glad too, but somehow my shadow keeps chasing me.